Give in to the unknown.

“take me out to the ball game, cause you know i only fuck with ballers”

Sara — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 04:40:54 +0000

I’m obsessed with Rihanna right now. Honestly cannot stop listening to her it’s kind of ridiculous. a lot has been going on lately.

- one of my “closest” friends has been trying to come between me and my boyfriend, which is really the biggest load of bs. she’s trying to get us to fight, obviously she likes him. she always, and yes i mean always, wants what i have, even if she has something great. it’s really annoying because i really like this guy and it sucks that she’s already trying to break us apart. some friend.

- i quit my full time job and still work part time but i’m having a hard time. i’m searching for another job, which i need because if i don’t find one i can’t make the payments on my truck to my parents and i’m going to have to sell it. which i don’t want to do because i love my truck so much, there’s no way i’m going to go back to bussing. no way. hopefully soemthing comes my way soon because this is getting ridiculous. i found this thing.. i’m not going to go into details incase it doesn’t work but if it does i guess i could make another entry about it.

- i haven’t saved any money to go back to school, which is what i’m supposed to be doing right now right? too bad everything isn’t working out the way it should be. ugh. i don’t even know what i want to take. i know i want to take financial courses but i need something else. i don’t know what i want to do with my life i just know that i want to have money so i’m not in the situation my parents are in now. it’s scary to think about what could happen to our family at any moment.

i’ve literally been crying all day on and off. i can’t stop the tears from falling; i don’t even have to be thinking about something upsetting i’ll just start crying (like now?) and i can’t stop. ugh. i feel like my whole world is falling apart. like if i didn’t have my family and my supportive boyfriend i don’t know how i would be able to get through all this bullshit. it feels like everyday just keeps getting worse , which is saying something because i’m usually a very positive person.

i just need a sign that everything is going to be okay.

baby you’re a firework.

Sara — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 19:04:23 +0000

I give up on saying I’m going to update this regularly when i’m obviously not going too.
Anyways, everyone keeps asking me for a christmas list already, i don’t even know what i want. I guess i could start making a list now and just really think about it.

- teeth whitener
- new cellphone
- tanning package (it clears up my face)
- macbook (i can dream)
- phone charger for my truck
- money money money

honestly can’t think of anything else right now, i’ll have to think about it. i mean, there’s other things i want, but they’re not something you would give as a gift, you know?

rah.

Sara — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 05:33:09 +0000

I don’t know what to do ahhh. Pretty sure I actually like Jeff but with that comes a problem; he’s ten years older than me. What am I supposed to do with that? Like I know I don’t really think age matters and when we’re together it doesn’t seem like he’s that much older than me, but he is and my parents definitely would not approve. Hmmmm.

Yay for being an awesome friend.

Sara — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 05:10:18 +0000

I went to Jeff’s place to watch a movie, and by the end of the night we were having a very serious conversation about my relationship with Justin and other people and who I am. I don’t remember how we got on the topic, but he turned off the light so we could talk without being able to see each other (which was a good thing in my case; there were definitely a few tears), and he asked a bunch of questions that I answered (some of which I didn’t have more of an answer than “I don’t know” – I don’t seem to think about these things on my own) and it really opened my eyes. When I think about myself, I can’t think of qualities I like other than my sense of humor because I don’t focus on myself. I spend so much time listening to other people and trying to help them through their problems that I forget about myself. I’m really glad that we had that talk, that I could open up to him.

Jeff really is an amazing person. I just feel like I can talk to him and open up and not have to worry about what he’s going to think because he’s not going to sit there and judge me. I’m glad I met him and that we can hangout outside of work and not have it be weird. He definitely means a lot to me.

Even typing this stuff is making me cry. Focus on myself? It’s hard, not going to lie, but I have to start. Jeff was able to tell me stuff about myself more than I could, which is ridiculous! I should know about myself, apparently I don’t.

stoked!

Sara — Sat, 11 Sep 2010 04:58:10 +0000

I got a new job today! I had an interview where I got to spend the day with Brittney and see what she does and get a feel for things. It was a lot of fun she’s super awesome, and then I had a third interview when I got back to the office. The guy said he trusted what Brittney had to say because she’s one of his best girls, and then right then and there he gave me the job!!! I’m so excited you have no idea. I work for a business that helps out charities on a daily basis, how awesome is that? I don’t even mind dealing with grumpy people who don’t want to help, it was good stuff and she’s going to be the girl who trains me for my first few days there. aahhh. so awesome!

Now I just have to decide if I want to give my two weeks at COBS or just work there on the weekends. Hm, what to do, what to do.

We gon’ light it up, like it’s dynamite.

Sara — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 16:57:52 +0000

Yesterday I hung out with someone who I haven’t seen in about four years. It wasn’t as weird as I thought it would be, but definitely not as normal as I had hoped. Can’t really expect much though, haven’t seen someone for four years, what are you supposed to say? I don’t know anything about him anymore. We pretty much talked about myself all night and whenever I asked him anything his answer was usually “No” or “I don’t know”. It was nice seeing him though, I did really miss him. Turns out, he only lives about ten minutes away so maybe we’ll actually start hanging out? Who knows.

Watch me go, go, go, go.

Sara — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 06:06:26 +0000

Going to get my passport next Tuesday when I get paid, so I can apply for being a flight attendant. My parents gave me some huge lecture about how I should be looking for another job. Which makes sense, I’m done school and I’m still not getting full time hours, probably won’t at this job, so after almost two years I think it’s time to move on. I need something that pays me more. Between paying for my truck and the gas that it eats, I have almost no money at the end of every single paycheck. It sucks when your friends want to go do something and you can’t because you have no money.

At the same time, I don’t want to leave because I work with amazing people, and we’re so short on employees right now that I just feel bad. I’m friends with the manager and team leader, and I can’t imagine just leaving when they need people. I know it’s not hard to find employees, there are tons of people looking for jobs, but I’m the only other person besides those two who has been there long enough to know what they’re doing and when to do it. It sucks that they’re going to struggle to get people to where I am. I know I can’t just stick around because of that reason though, I’m definitely not making enough money and I need another 10,000 or so to go back to school.

I kind of wish I didn’t like this job so that it would be easy to say goodbye.

Cherry boom boom.

Sara — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 20:40:03 +0000

Does anyone actually read this thing?
Not that I update that often or have interesting things to say, still curious though.

I went to the Lady Gaga concert last night, it was amazing. She puts on such a great show, it was definitely beyond my expectations. Between songs she does a little act with some of the dancers, telling a story before jumping into the next song. She changes outfits often and quite quickly; of course they’re always over the top, but suit her personality. The sets they make are amazing, there was one where there was this huge monster (not really sure what it was tbh), and it covered most of the stage. It moved around and even grabbed Gaga at one point. I don’t think I’ve ever danced or screamed so much in my entire life. Definitely worth every penny of the money I spent.

I hate the way my brain works sometimes.

Sara — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 04:28:53 +0000

We tried giving it a month, but unfortunately, it wasn’t really working. You spending every second worrying because ridiculous, and it felt like we, as a couple, didn’t spend enough time trying to fix what we once had. I admit, my feelings aren’t the same as they used to be, but I figured us trying would bring back that wonderful feeling. The constant fighting and mixed feelings finally made me realize that we’re both not happy and maybe, even though I thought so for over two years, we aren’t supposed to be together. Who knows maybe years and years from now it’ll be different. But I know that right now, it’s just not working.

I’m sorry about everything I’ve done to you. I can’t bring back those feelings, and I wish I could. I’ll pay you for breakfast when I get paid on Tuesday. I know you’ll never see this, but writing this makes me feel better. I’m sorry for leaving you earlier, but I feel like it was going to happen sooner or later, it just wasn’t getting any better. I feel like shit, but I can’t just drag you along for selfish reasons. I admit, I don’t want anyone else to have you, and the thought of you being with someone else is a horrible feeling, but you were my “safety” or comfort, I felt safe with you. It’s not fair to drag you along anymore, I’m a horrible person for doing so. I’ll always love you, but the feelings just aren’t the same.

It’s a weird feeling being single when I haven’t been for so long..
I don’t know what to do with myself.

dear africa, you help me write this.

Sara — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 05:30:46 +0000

I went to Flight Centre with Allie and Meagan before Meagan started work, and all the books they have is just so amazing. I think I’m going to go in tomorrow before I start and take a bunch. Allie grabbed a bunch of the Contiki Tour ones, and all the trips in there look so amazing. I want to go! She’s going by herself, and I think that’s pretty cool. Hopefully I can work up the courage to do that as well, and go with her next year when she goes to Europe for the second time or Thailand. AWESOME. I’m excited.

I bought a new little journal today. I hardly write in them but then decide that I should have another one. You know. I also bought a Sudoku book. I love the dollar store, cute things for the cheapest price. I could spend so much money there, but that’s definitely not a good idea.